Santiago. Chile

Palms are sweaty, knees weak arms are heavy.

Although there’s no vomit on our sweaters already, we feel the nerves taking over and believe there is no doubt that there will be during the course of this crazy month.

Several months of planning, researching and accumulation of items they possibly may never need again, has led to this moment.

The Capitan and Admiral are off on an adventure of a lifetime, an unconventional Honeymoon. A vacation and journey like no other. Flying to the continent of the ancient civilizations, Amazon rainforest, the Andes and Maradona? Yep.  South America.

Nerves are sky rocketing as we board our vessel with our first stop being Santiago, Chile. Not knowing what to  expect and saying a little prayer under our breaths… In the words of Brad Pitt in ‘Once upon a time in Hollywood’

“Away We Go!”

A short 13 hour flight which was relatively uneventful aside from a man resembling President Nixon, in voice, stature, accent and looks.

We overheard him as he was standing by the toilet stall discussing how when he went to Russia he was finishing a bottle of vodka at lunch and two bottles of Brandy for dinner.

He carried on explaining that his cousin was a truck driver who had rum and milk for breakfast. Being a responsible individual however he did mention “Don’t do that now you’ll get pulled over.”

He then went on to explain that he was visiting Argentina and would be visiting the president of Uruguay.

Thirteen hours and A few naps later, we arrived in Santiago. Despite our initial failed attempts to figure out how to get to our hotel we convinced and bargained enough with a private taxi guy for him to take us.

It was evident from the onset that there would be a huge language barrier and that we would need to figure out alternate means of communication. What we hadn’t figured out was that everyone assumed that the captain was South American due to his very Spanish and what some would call dirty Moustache.

The locals being drawn to him and insisting to speak in Spanish, even after stating “No Espanola” many times.

Overcoming our first challenge, the captain and Admiral were able to successfully check into the hotel. Where things fell over was when they turned the hot water on. There was none. Heading down to reception  to inform them of the issue, they returned to find that the door had been locked. They nervously chuckled. Attempting a few times to break it open, they finally succeeded, just before the technician came to fix the hot water. That would have been mucho embarrioso.

It was not long after that they were off to explore the city. First up on the exploration adventure was to have an Empanada from Emporio Zunino.  An empanada is a pastry snack that is typically filled with meat, vegetables or cheese.  Emporio Zunino is one of the oldest empanada places in town.

Here the Captain took charge and with his new found confidence in his ability to look like a local, he decided to act and speak like one, confidently going up to order from the old cashier. He ordered, which was followed by a discussion in Spanish to which the Captain responded a variation of ‘Si, Muchos, Quesos, Dos and Gracias’. The job was done he triumphantly walked back to the Admiral and handed her the docket as they walked over to the section to pick up their cheesy pastry treats. The man took the docket and handed them back two cans of Coca-Cola.  After the initial shock and a hysterical Admiral laughing on the floor, we came to the realisation that the Captain should not be on ordering duty going forward.

As a great successor, the Admiral went up and was able to return with the tasty cheesy treats. The Captain and Admiral continued exploring the city. Stopping to pick up a coffee, here the Captain could not  help but notice that the whole coffee shop was operated by females and that the girls were absolutely stunning! Not only that they had been dressed to impress wearing skin tight clothing that really did favours for their figures.

It was a few slaps from the admiral later that the Capitans jaw moved up from the ground.  The coffee (much of an after thought for the Captain) was terrible.  They noticed that this coffee shop was not an anomaly, all the cafes were staffed by beautiful women. It was not till later that they found out that this was a ploy started in the early 19th century to make terrible coffee in the city. Back then the majority of the office workforce was men and coffee shops served terrible coffee as beautiful girls flirted with them.

We continued to explore the city, seeing many churches, and the main square, and the CBD.  Exhausted from our flight (we had only arrived a few hour earlier) we  reached another famous point of interest, a dive bar called La Piojera. The first thing they noticed as they walked in was the smell. It really smelt bad, like damp clothes, sweat, beer and off wine all mixed into one. They were on a mission though they were there to try the Terremoto Drink. A terremoto is a local drink which essentially comprises a large quantity of pipeño (a strong fortified wine) with a dollop of pineapple ice cream floating in it. It translates to Earthquake as it leaves you wobbly as you stand up after drinking one.

Let’s just say that they were not kidding when they called the drink that. After 2 drinks  between them, both the Captain and Admiral were well intoxicated! Heading to the bathroom, the Spanish alter ego of the Captain made friends and in no time they were laughing, joking, yelling and had their arms around the Captain or Hombre as they called him.

All the while the capitan had no idea what was going on. With great difficulty he escaped and ran back traumatised to a very drunk Admiral at the table. They left the bar highly intoxicated,  unable to function they retreated back to the hotel. Stumbling they got back and passed out awaking 3 hours later with a terrible hangover. The day had escaped them, and instead of heading to a fancy place for dinner they decided to have burgers at the place next door and call it a night. Day two began positively, the last nights Terremotos had meant that the Captain and Admiral could head to bed early. Waking up fresh they headed into town for the walking tour.

Drawing inspiration from his last night’s escapades and making Spanish friends, once again the Captain reverted on his promise going to order coffee. Instead of ordering two cappuccinos with less milk and no cream, the captain managed to obtain two long blacks with towers of cream. He was barred one again from ordering by the Admiral.

As expected and hoped for the coffee reacted with the bowels and they rushed to a paid ‘Banos’. Waiting outside the captain received a MAYDAY message from the Admiral that the toilet had no toilet paper. To which the Captain responded ‘yes he knows, the toilet paper is outside the cubicle on the wall.’ the response he got was “FK I’m stuck”.

Luckily with team work that involved close monitoring from the Captain and stealthy monuvuers by the Admiral they were able to get out of that shitty situation. Rushing quickly as the Banos situation had led to a delay they reached the City Walking tour in the nick of time. Here they learnt of the chilliean love for sweet foods, an ancient civilization that was slaughtered and eradicated by the spanish,  a revolutionary president that was bringing revolution to the country and was overtaken by the military (Salvador Allende Gossens), the country under dictatorship, gifts from around the world on the centenary and most importantly about

Barros luco a president, that did nothing but nameda beef sandwich named after himself and is to this day memorialized for it. Finishing the tour we had lunch with an American Amigo that we met on the tour. He was from Philadelphia, he was retired and had ran a family (3 generation passed down) supermarket which was opposite the famous steps from the Rocky Movie.

The Captain and Admiral hit the skies taking a Fanicular (a train/ cart on a rope/ pully) up to San Cristobal hill. Here not only could we see the city in its enormity, we were able to walk up to a beautiful sculpture of the Mother Mary. After hanging around for a bit we took a cable car down and explored the Sculpture park taking our time as we headed to the Bella Vista district for some good ol fashioned Bar Hopping!

The streets came alive! Bella Vista is the party capital of Santiago. All the universities around the area contributing to the vibe and the cheap drinks. Pino nono was the place to be, and a pub street like no other. Hustling and bustling with street performers and bars selling happy hours! It was not long before we found the most hectic and most happening street club – Zona 3. We quickly settled  right into a local favourite the Pisco sour. For those playing at home Pisco is a Grape liqueur local to Chile and Peru (they often fight over the origins) and a Pisco Sour is a cocktail with lemon juice, egg whites, sugar and Pisco. Smashing a few of them down, next was a few mojitos followed by another dangerous Terremoto. Lines started blurring at this point.

They decided to call it a night with the Captain grabbing some felafels ( the best he has ever had) and the Admiral going with the local mystery meat hot dogs that are layered with avacado, mayonnaise and tomato salsa – called the Italiano sausage as the colours resemble the Italian flag. Calling it a night they stumbled home once again.

Day three and as their flight was at 2pm they had some time to kill before they went off to Peru. On a hunt for a good coffee (and a last look at the eye candy) the Captain and Admiral headed into the city square. Here they decided to look for a decent coffee shop, as they sat phone in hand, a man in a hoodie rides up to the Captain and tries to grabs his phone from his hand and ride off! Luckily the Captain had a good grip and he is unable to snatch it off him.

A little shaken up they find some police and with great difficulty and with the aid of charades explain what happened. The Captain and Admiral are shocked that this would happen right in the middle of the main Plaza at 9 am. They grab a coffee and head back, picking up their bags and heading to the airport.

Little did they know it was not the end of their Santiago adventures. Once again they struggled to find an acceptable fare to the airport and got a little ripped off when the Cab driver added last minute tolls to the fare. The airport proceedings taking over 2 hours until they reached their gate only to be informed that the plane has been delayed.  During which they befriended a local elderly lady that was carrying over 6 peices of carry on baggage that she could barely lift and they were able to assist with, and help her get  to the gate.

They finally boarded the flight and helped the lady carry her bags onboard, here they sat and waited for 30 minutes whilst some maintenance efforts were undertaken.  This messages later changed to “The plane had hit a bird in its previous flight and we are unable to fix it, everybody off the plane”. And off the plane the Capitan and Admiral got, hoping to hide from carrying 6 bags off with them. It was not too long before the lady found them and about  another 30 minutes before it was miraculously fixed and fit to fly. The special meal on the plane that day was pigeon. As for the Captain and Admiral, they were off to find the leader Lima Bean in Peru!